Man goes into a bank and up to the cashier's desk.
"Nice tits love, I want to open a FUCKING checking account," the man
snarls.
"I beg your pardon, sir?", the startled female teller replies.
"Listen, you dumb bitch, I said I want to open a FUCKING checking
account."
"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't help you if you're going to talk like that."
She leaves the window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in
his ear.
The two return and the manager asks, stiffly, "What seems to be the
problem here?"
"There's no GODDAMN problem!" the man insists. "I just won ten
million dollars in the lottery, and I want to open a FUCKING checking
account!"
"I see sir," the manager quickly replies, "and this cunt's giving you a
hard time, is she?"
*********************************************************
A priest and a lawyer are walking down the street and see a small boy
eating an ice cream.
The priest says, "How'd you like to fuck that?"
To which the lawyer replied, "Out of what?"
*********************************************************
Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were
approaching two tampons.
Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the
other, "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"
The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."
*********************************************************
Two nuns go on a shopping trip to France, to load up with duty free.
On the way back they are just going to drive through 'Nothing to declare'
but a customs officer waves them in to the side.
The first nun says to the mother superior who is driving, "Don't worry
mother, just show them your cross."
So she winds the window down, leans out and shouts, "Fuck off!"
*********************************************************
A New Yorker decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling
them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts "themed party -
come as a human emotion."
On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to
see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his
chest. He says to this guy "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you
come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy." The host replies,
"Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door
to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa
wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, "Wow,
great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm
tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the
host opens the door to see two Pakistani guys, stark naked, one with his
penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a
pear. The host is really shocked and says "Christ, guys, what the hell do
you think you look like? You could get arrested for standing like that
out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"
The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fucking disgusted and my friend has
come in despair."
*********************************************************
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from
all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat
from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job. If he
were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police
what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He
gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of
their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The
deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy
to an interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector.
"Now ask him where the money is!"
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what
you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the
trigger."
*********************************************************
A very religious guy called John finds himself in dire trouble. His
business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so
desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into church and
begins to pray...........
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the
lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.
John goes back to church.....................
"God, please let me win the lottery. I've lost my business, my house
and now I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and John still has no luck!!
Back to church..................
"God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house
and my car, and now my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask
you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't
you just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in
order???"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and John
is confronted by the voice of GOD himself.
"JOHN, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A FUCKING
TICKET."
*********************************************************
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll
then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open
mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of
its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals -
unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free
drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of
the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer
bottle"
*********************************************************
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor.
It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for
me?"
His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's
ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."
Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your
whole hand and checking it out."
So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He
feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to
you..."
*********************************************************
The Queen of England and the Pope are guests of honour at the Annual
England vs Ireland Soccer Match.
Both are getting right into the feel of things and the Queen leans over to
the Pope and says, "I bet I can make all the English People in the crowd
cheer wildly with a simple hand gesture."
The Pope looks at her disbelievingly, so the Queen does her famous
wave and all the English people in the crowd cheer wildly as one.
The Pope leans over and says to the Queen, "That was nothing...I bet I
can make all of the Irish People in the crowd party wildy for a week
with just the nod of my head."
The Queens says, "Well that is totally unbelievable - let's see."
A split second later the Pope Head butts her......
*********************************************************
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a
few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the
machine, and another can of soda pops out. She keeps putting in coins,
and cans of soda keep coming out.
A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?"
"Fuck off!" she says. "Can't you see I'm winning?"
*********************************************************
The confession line was very long and the priest needed to use the
bathroom badly. He called in one of the alter boys and asked him to fill-
in for a minute. The priest gave him a list of sins & penance. Just match
them up.
The first women confessed to giving the neighbor a blowjob and anal
sex. These weren't on the list, so the alter boy asked another alter boy,
"What does the father give for anal sex and a blowjob?"
"He usually gives me a bag of chips and a soda."
*********************************************************
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day.
When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the
ground and listened.
"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Face sticky."
*********************************************************
Deductive Reasoning
Man: "Hi there new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Man: "So what is you do for a living?"
Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive
reasoning."
Man: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out
back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Man: "That is right."
Neighbor: "The fact you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a
family."
Man: "Right again."
Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Man: "Correct."
Neighbor: "And since you have a wife I can deduce that you are
heterosexual."
Man: "Yup."
Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Man: "Cool."

Later that same day...
Man: "Hey I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Man: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Man: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Man: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Man: "Fag."
*********************************************************
It seems that a man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.
As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A
nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon,
and set it on the table. The diner was impressed.
"Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out;
he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table.
By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented,
 "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a
 string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems
that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time
washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that
string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string,
go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to
wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in
your pants?"
The waiter replies: "I don't know about the other guys but I use the
spoon"
*********************************************************
Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real
bad.
The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby
Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his
room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes
a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says, "Dear Mr.
Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?"
*********************************************************
The Queen and Princess Di were driving down the road in their Range
Rover when they were stopped and accosted by a modern day highway
man.
"Hand over all your cash", he demanded of the Queen.
"My dear man" replied the Queen, "I am the Queen of all England, and
therefore do not need to carry any money."
"OK, OK" he said, turning to Princess Di. "In that case you can hand
over all of your jewels".
"I have no need for Jewels" she boasted, "for I am the most beautiful
woman in England".
By this time the highway man was getting a bit pissed off. "Right then"
he said. "Get out of the car and I'll take that instead".
And shortly he was driving off into the sunset. Left sitting on the grass
verge, Princess Di turned to the Queen and asked, "Where on earth did
you hide all that money you were carrying?"
"I stuffed it up my snatch laughed the Queen. "But what about you.
Where did you manage to stash all your jewels."
"I stuffed them up my snatch as well", tittered Di.
"It's a shame Fergie wasn't with us" mused the Queen. "We might have
been able to save the Range Rover".
*********************************************************
A plane flying over the North Sea is in trouble and likely to ditch. There
are six passengers on board, a Doctor, a Lawyer, a Priest, and three
children. But there are only three life jackets.
The Doctor says, "Save the children!!," waving the life jackets.
Making a grab for the jackets, the Lawyer shouts, "Fuck the children!!"
and the Priest enquires, "Is there time...?"
*********************************************************
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her
bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully
says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to
enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what
happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on
the door, make my penis touch the floor!"
Again, there is a bright flash and...... both his legs fall off.
*********************************************************
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and
President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado
comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands
of yards away. They all fall into a daze.
When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize
they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known
for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
*********************************************************
Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one
goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing
you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard,
you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll
never be seen around here again."
The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The
applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the
guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company.
As the second guy is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy,
"Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so
touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the
office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you
look at me."
The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer
was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?" The
applicant answered, "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses,
you've got no ears!"
*********************************************************
A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief
Devil in Charge).
Devil: "We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your
own personal hell."
Man: "That's not so bad, whatcha got?"
Devil: "Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the
situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity."
Man: "OK."
The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on
their heads on a hardwood floor.
Man: "Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next."
The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on
concrete floors.
Man: "That looks worse, got anything left."
The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing
knee deep in shit drinking coffee.
Man: "Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee
all day. I'll take this one."
Devil: "Are you sure this is the one you want."
Man: "Absolutely!"
The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As
soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says
"Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads."
*********************************************************
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they
were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of
their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the
beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU
BASTARD!!!!"
*********************************************************
The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to
paint a mural-sized painting of Custer's Last Thought. The artist was
told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the debacle at
Little Big Horn.
Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio. After many false starts,
she proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many
months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator.
In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish
leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In the background, the hills and
meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating.
The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage he
turns to the artist and asks, "What the hell has this got to do with
Custer's Last Thought?"
The artist replied, "It's simple. Custer's Last Thought had to have been:
Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
*********************************************************
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had
prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little
worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but
I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in
places that I`ve never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side
effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
*********************************************************
In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from
surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
*********************************************************
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their
work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You
open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and
everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless
spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."
*********************************************************
A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from
tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family
friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in
after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his
face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly
closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room -- with math books
strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long
enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to
his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until
bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the
first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the
dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother
opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the
subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their
son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head
and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front
door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they
meant business!"
*********************************************************
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a
beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says
he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck
driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he
is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and
serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls
out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to
worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season
now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over
the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing
up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers
wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his
whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his
gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."