Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle.
He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"
His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome
with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this
any longer, take my tube."
Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for
the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.
As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell
you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during
dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."
When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in
the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch,
everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't
done the dishes in months.
They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures
nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops!
her right there on the dining room table.
Nobody says nothing.
He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures,
"What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do
her.
He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees
it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and
takes out the tube of Vaseline.
Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking
dishes."

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new
baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks:
"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
first visit home since starting university.
"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last
weekend."
"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.
"The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really
sore."

Nancy Reagan is the celebrity contestant on Password.
It's her turn to guess the word.
Voice Over: And the password is. . . black dick!
Nancy: Um. . . is it a place?
Her partner: No.
Nancy: Is it a person?
Her partner: No.
Nancy: Hmm, then it must be a thing. Um, is it something I might want
to eat?
Her partner, exasperated: Well, I dunno, maybe.
Nancy: Is it black dick?

 
A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a
particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the
hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the
woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her
eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not
quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some
movement.
"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"
The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they
both saw movement around the woman's eyes.
"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her
husband and let him know."
Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen
some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her
pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles.
The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a
little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I
suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he
said.
The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several
moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated.
The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they
saw the husband zipping up his jeans.
"Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."

 
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick
of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as
far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After
six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when
someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded
Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...
Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some
drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
some fightin' too."
"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people.
I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at
these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for
six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just
gonna be the two of us."

 
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each
other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his
shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which
reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.
Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo
and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off
and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation
for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees
the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.
"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

 
Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to
his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature
honeymoon'...
He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-
Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a
man b'fore."
"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her
head...
Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door,
into his truck.... down the mountain.... straight to his parents house...
rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" .....
His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin
here?"
Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-
Sue an I was in the' cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never been with a
man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I
could!"
His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON,
Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she
shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"

 
A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother
notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your
father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as
punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I
hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's
head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've
been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is
killing me."

A girl goes into a bar.
She says, "Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's."
He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five
more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk, and
everybody in the bar fucks her.
The next night, she walks into the bar, and says, "Bartender, give me a
triple Jack Daniel's."
He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five
more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk, and
everybody in the bar fucks her again.
The next night, she walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a
triple Tequila."
He says, "I thought you drank Jack Daniel's."
She says, "Not any more. Jack Daniel's makes my pussy sore."

 
A man wants to introduce his nephew to the game of sex. The young
man is worried that he might not do it right so his uncle comes up with
a plan.
The young man will get a hooker, wine her and dine her, then take her
back to his apartment for a night of pleasure. The uncle will be in the
bedroom closet so if the boy has a problem, he can shout it out, and
from the closet will come the answer about what to do.
That night everything is going according to the plan. When they get
back to the apartment the hooker gets into bed while the young man
goes to the bathroom to put on a condom. The hooker suddenly gets a
cramp and must go to the bathroom now! She feels around the bed and
grabs an empty shoe box and takes a big dump in it.
Now here comes the young man walking in the dark room. He steps in
the shoe box and shouts out, "There's shit in the box, there's shit in the
box .
From the closet comes the reply, "Then roll her over!"

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and
they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says,
"You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we
split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you
hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and
share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and
hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a
canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As
I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream.
The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day
overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad
tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman
tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks,
and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I
was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than
mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

 
Nancy goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.
He says, "You have acute vaginitis."
She says, "Thank you."

 
Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week,
the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing,
they bury her.
After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig
her up again.

One Friday afternoon two women are sitting on the front porch.
The first woman says, "Here comes my husband with a bunch of
flowers. That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all
weekend."
The other woman asks, "Why, don't you have a vase?"

There were three women sitting in a bar and they were discussing how
much their husbands could get up their crotch.
The first women said, "My husband can get his whole hand up me".
The second lady said, "My husband can get his whole head up me".
The third lady slid down the bar stool.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her,
a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in
only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after
hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said
he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit
down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to
blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and
daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it
was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen
for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think
he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

 
A woman walking past a shop sees an advert in the window.
"Good home wanted for clitoris licking frog."
She goes inside and says to the guy behind the counter, "I've come
about the clitoris licking frog."
"Oui madame," the assistant says.

Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her
husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills
and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.'
The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that
evening. That night they made out.
The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really
got it on.
The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.
A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The
woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was
doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts,
and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80
years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I
had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them.
Twice."
The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in
confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."

 
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and
asks for a white dress.
"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married
three times already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the
sales clerk.
"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a
psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second
husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My
third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"

 
A mangy redneck youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing
that night's dinner.
"Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?" asks
the slack-jawed youth.
"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"
"No thanks, just the cider."
"Well sure," responds the youth's mother and gives her boy the cider
and watches him trot contentedly off.
About fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again
asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to
question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him
leave happy.
Ten minutes later the boy returns once again asks for a glass of cider.
The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has
been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any
longer. So she wanders into the family room and sees her son sitting in
front of the TV with his finger in the glass.
"Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" asks the boy's
mother.
"Well Mom, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she had a
prick in her hand, she couldn't wait to get it in cider."

 
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down
from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the
Yukon!" he said to the bartender.
"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room
on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and
two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open
the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest,
roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found
her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "I just thought you might like to open
those beers first."

 
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding.
He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot
the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... could I see your drivers
license...?"
"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact
that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute," said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's
license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came
back; "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes," replied the officer.
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher.
"Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back,
and drop your pants."
"WHAT!!? I can't do that. It's..... inappropriate," exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me..... just do it," said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration
and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs, "Oh no ... not ANOTHER
breathalyzer."

 
A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. There was nothing
for him to do except play with himself. After many years even that
stopped.
He was always preparing for the day when he would be saved. One
morning he saw a ship turn into the cove and he quickly ran to the
woodpile and started it afire. He then threw wet seaweed on top and
the smoke was bellowing high in the air. All of a sudden the ship starts
to come his way.
He gets all excited and thinks I am finally going to be saved. The first
thing I want is to take a hot shower - then they are going to give me
some clothes and I am going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will
find a nice lady to dance with then I will take to her cabin and we can
kiss and I can fondle her body. She will start to take off her clothes and
she will be wearing red satin panties, and I will rub them.
With this, he starts to get an erection; he slips his hand into his shorts,
grabs his pecker and yells, "Ha, Ha, Ha - I LIED ABOUT THE SHIP."

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her
grandmother in the forest and her mother said, "You'd better not go out
tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you
know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your
little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't
worry Mum, I've got it covered."
So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three
little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You
shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's
out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your
little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little
red socks off."
So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys. Got it
covered!"
As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf
and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding
Hood because you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to lift up
your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your
little red socks off."
So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties,
lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him
and said...
"NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."

 
A man was in the restroom when an Irish man came in and stood next
to him at the urinal. The first man just happened to look down and saw
the man had an enormous penis. Knowing he would sound weird if he
said anything, he tried to keep it in. But, he finally couldn't stand it.
"I didn't want to say anything, but you've got the biggest penis I've
ever seen!"
"Well, thank you. I gave it to myself, I'm a leprechaun! I will give you
three wishes if you like?"
"Sure!" said the first guy. "1st Id like an enormous mansion"
"Done, you'll wake up in it tomorrow"
"2nd I'd like a beautiful girlfriend."
"Sure, you'll wake up with her next to you in the morning."
"3rd, I'd like a penis the size of yours!"
"OK, but I will have to butt-fuck you first."
Since the guy wants all this so badly he says OK and drops his pants
and bends over.
The first guy looks up and says, "I can't believe I'm gonna have a penis
the size of yours!"
And the guy answers, "I cant believe you think I'm a leprechaun!"

 
This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I
have 3 girls coming over tonight. I never had 3 girls at once, I need
something to keep me horny, keep me potent."
So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom
drawer and takes out a small black cardboard box marked with an "X"
and says, "Here, if you eat this you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"
The guy says "gimmee 3 boxes".
Same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same
pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror
as he notices the man's organ is black & blue, the skin's hanging off in
places. The man says, "Gimmee a bottle of Ben Gay."
To which the pharmacist replies "Ben Gay? You're not going to put
BEN GAY on that are you?"
The guy says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up".

 
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple meet and are talking about
all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another.
The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where
the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member--about half
an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says the woman.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is
extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their
separate ways.
As they walk along, the Earth male asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I
hate to say it," she says, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about
you?"
"It was OK," he replies, "but a little weird. The whole time she was
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

 
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little
Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he
happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the
town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not
something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked
through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a
member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back
and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink
and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both
lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a
few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald,
her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and
said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this
bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish."

 
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow
between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a
son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the
sapling. The tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can
you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the
best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

 
There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and
grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down.
"How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother.
"Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job."
"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!"
"Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to
get something warm in our stomachs!"

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.
After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your
pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City
and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's
mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of
her trip as they stare spellbound.
"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City,"
says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the
lips."
Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"
"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other
women on the lips!"
"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they
ask.
"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.
"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New
York City," sighs Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of
their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?"
they ask in unison.
Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught
my breath, I called him Precious."

 
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into
the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a
cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw
me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next
cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, slightly easier on
the eye. "Screw me hard, or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was
actually quite desirable. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success"
she said. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man
thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.
"Love me hard and long or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he
decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a
400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his
head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello," the ugly fat man said. "My name's Cess!"

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home
from work and leans against the freshly painted wall.
The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see where my
husband put his hand last night?"
He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead of me.
Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"

A man has been going out with this chick for 2 years, and he has never
touched her in his life. One night she gets really pissed off with this
(cos she's a bit of a randy mare at the best of times) and says to him,
"Why haven't you ever shagged me? We've been going out for 2 years
now and all you have done is kissed me and touched my tits!!"
He looks scared and replies, "Well, when I was 6 my mum told me that
a girl's fanny had teeth and would bite my dick off if it came near"
She laughed like a drain and led him into the room, pulled up her skirt
and showed him her eager beaver.
"See", she said, "it doesn't have any teeth!!!"
"Well", he replied, "I'm not fucking surprised with gums like that!"

On the first day of college, the Dean addresses the students, pointing
out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so
too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught
breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught
breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a
third time will incur a hefty fine of $180."
"Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season
pass?"

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar
but thinks, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the
name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me
the name of your penis."
So the customer says, "All right, what's the name of your penis?"
The waiter says "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT."
The customer thinks for a moment and says, "The name of my penis is
Secret."
The waiter asks, "SECRET?"
The customer replies, "Yeah ... strong enough for a man, but made for a
woman!"

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm
them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back
and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm
them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get
them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my
hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever
get cold?"

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available
teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three
times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was
fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor
says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has
a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will pass
through their system through normal metabolism."
As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says
"Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!"
Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, "I passed
a bullet into the toilet." The woman comforts her and explains all about
the accident at the bank.
A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears
streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" The
mother says, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes, how did
you know?"
The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the
bank.
A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a very
bad thing!"
"You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
"No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog"

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to
perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few
things, but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him, "this is all in your mind," and refers
him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink
confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this," and throws some powder
on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.... The witch
doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a
year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go
down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with
the good news.... So he is lying in bed with her and says '123', and
suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"