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The new priest, at his first Mass, was so afraid that he was unable to speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Put some martinis in the water pitcher. After a few sips, you should relax enough and everything should go smoothly." The next week the young priest put his elder's suggestion into practice and really talked up a storm. After the sermon, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "A definite improvement over last week but I think there are a few things you should learn before you address the congregation again."

First: Next time, sip the martinis rather than gulping them down.

Second: There are 10 commandments, not 12.

Third: There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Fourth: David slew Goliath, he did not "kick the shit out of him".

Fifth: We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his disciples as "The late JC and the boys".

Sixth: Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy's.

Seventh: We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".

Eighth: The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as, "Daddy, Junior, and the Spook".

Ninth: The recomended grace before meals and communion is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!"

Tenth: Last, the Virgin Mary is not referred to as "Mary with the cherry".