Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you
want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that
the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to
bite off your ear.'
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Handy Hints - Top Tips
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing
in the first place, you fat bastards.
 
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least
you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Girls: Too old to go on an 18-30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a
sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the
fence.

Attempt your own corrective laser eye surgery by removing the back of
your CD player and then staring into it whilst it is turned on.
 
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic
explorer by simply applying White-Out to their beards, painting their
noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the
girls.
 
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a
friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of
putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

 
Find out how many of your cat's lives are remaining by hitting it
repeatedly with a mallet. The number of strokes required to bring
about its demise will correspond with the number of lives that
remained.
 
Transform your garage into a drive-thru restaurant by sitting in your
car, lowering your window and demanding that your wife/girlfriend
brings you a cup of tea, on roller skates.
 
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
 
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
 
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
 
Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them,
asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half
way through their reply.
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More Handy Hints/Top Tips
 
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.
 
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on
when their guide dog isn't looking.
 
Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up
and telling her.
 
Fed up with oral sex? Stop your girlfriend from giving you blow jobs
by marrying her.
 
Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, s curing the steering wheel
with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting
casually to the passengers.
 
Brighten up dull Monday mornings at work by concealing a bottle of
vodka in your jacket pocket and taking swigs from it at regular
intervals throughout the day.
 
International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond
in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a
guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive
women in bikinis.
 
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day (the day
after Christmas for our US readers) They may find the offer of cold
turkey embarrassing or offensive.
 
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the
wall.
 
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
 
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your
hands under the tables and inside lampshades, then turning on the
shower every time you want to speak.
 
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding 2 bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it before jumping in.
 
People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an
empty Toblerone chocolate box when attending interviews for office
jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to
make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your
chances of getting the job.
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If you haven't seen Pulp Fiction, this'll mean jack-shit & I apologise.
WELSH FRICTION
The Scene:
John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson sitting in car talking. (Pulp
Fiction music fades off...)
S: OK, so tell me again about the Welsh.
J: Whaddya wanna know?
S: Bestiality is legal there, right?
J: Yeah, it's legal, but it ain't a 100% legal. I mean you can't just walk
into a field, pick up a sheep and start pumpin' away. They want you to
fuck sheep in your home or certain designated places.
S: And those are valleys?
J: OK, it breaks down like this: it's legal to buy a sheep, it's legal to
own a sheep, and if you're a farmer it's legal to sell or loan sheep, it's
ILLEGAL to fuck sheep in public but...but...but that doesn't matter
'cos, getta loada this, the police in Wales are too stupid to notice you've
got a sheep hanging off your dick. I mean that's one intellect the police
in Wales DON'T have.
S: Aw man. I'm not goin', that's all there is to it, I'm never fuckin'
goin'.
J: Nah man, you'd hate it the most. But do you know what the funniest
thing about Wales is?
S: What?
J: It's the little differences, I mean they got the same kinda people over
there as we got here, but there they're a little different.
S: Example.
J: OK. You can walk into a movie theatre in Cardiff and order a
measure of coke, and I'm not talkin' about no white nose dust, I'm
talkin' about a LUMP of coal. And in Swansea you can buy coal in
MacDonald's. Do you know what they call a 1/4 pounder with cheese
in Wales?
S: They don't call it a 1/4 pounder with cheese?
J: Nah man, they don't have fractions, they wouldn't know what the
fuck a 1/4 pounder is.
S: So whadda they call it?
J: (assumes Welsh accent) A "Ham and Cheese Sandwhichchchch".
S: A Ham and Cheese Sandwichchchchch?
J: That's right.
S: And whadda they call a Big Mac?
J: A Big Mac's a Big Mac, but there they call it a Bich Machch (accent
again).
S: (imitating accent badly) A Bichch Machchchchchchch?
(Both men laugh)
S: Whadda they call a Whopper?
J: I don't know, I didn't go outside. Do you know what they put on
French Fries in Swansea instead of ketchup?
S: What?
J: Coal.
S: Aw man... J: I've seen 'em do it man, they fuckin' drown 'em in that
shit.
(cue music and fade...)