Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?
A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old
enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.
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Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
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Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
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Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
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Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.
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Q: What do the gynecologist and the Domino's delivery man have in
common?
A: They both get to smell the pie but neither one of them can eat it.
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Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
defiance
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Q: What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
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Q: Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
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Q: What do you call a Roman with hair between his teeth?
A: A Gladiator.
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Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....
the other is used to carry groceries.
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Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A: His wife died.
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Q: Why are roach clips called roach clips?
A: Because "pot holder" was already taken.
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Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
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Q: How do you recycle toilet paper?
A: Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.
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Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
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Q: What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?
A: You can eat your Mom's apple pie.
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Q: Why do Southern guys go to family reunions?
A: To meet chicks.
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Q: What do a bleached blonde and a 747 have in common?
A: They both have little Black Boxes.
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Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Pee Wee Herman in their holding
cell at the jail?
A: "Stop playing with my lunch."
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Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
only save one of them, would you:
(1) go to lunch or (2) read the paper?
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I will be honest. My dick is the same size as a kindergartner. About 4
feet.
 
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Q: What is the difference between tampons and mobile phones ?
A: Mobile phones are for assholes.
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Q: How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg?
A: Pick him up and start sucking his dick.
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I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after
surgery, I would be able to play the banjo.
He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."
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Q: What's the difference between a downhill putt and a blowjob?
A: You'll never hear a guy getting a bj say "slow down, stop, BITE
YOU COCKSUCKER!"
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Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
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Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week (hole
weak).
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The Answer: A Cockrobin.
The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?
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Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace.
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Q: Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: 'Cos once you're finished with the breasts and the thighs all you are
left with is a greasy box!
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Q: What is the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?
A: Prince Charles' (ex)wife was killed by a white man in a black car.
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Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
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Do you remember blowing bubbles as a kid .........yes?
Well bubbles is back in town and he'd love to see you.
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Q: Why don't blondes water ski?
A: Because they lie down as soon as their crotches get wet.
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Q: What do you call the inanimate tissue around a vagina?
A: A woman.
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Q: What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A: A salad shooter...........
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Q: Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?
A: Because he's the only Queen who gives a fuck.
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Q: What is the difference between women and computers?
A: A women will not take a 3.25 inch floppy.
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Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams
every night??
A: Hanson.
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Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what
have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
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Q: What do a tornado, hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in
common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer home.
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Amazingly, the woman who brought charges against Marv Albert has
announced that she wants to be sportscaster.
NBC gave her an audition but she sucked.
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: If you slap a mosquito, it'll stop sucking.
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Q: Why don't Baptists make love standing up?
A: Because it might lead to dancing.
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Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow and gargle.
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Q: What do hillbillys do on Halloween?
A: PUMP-KIN!!!
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Q: Why don't witches wear panties?
A: To get a better grip on the broom.
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Q: What's the difference between E.T. and a man?
A: E.T. phoned home.
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Q: What has four legs and eight arms?
A: A pit-bull terrier at a children's play area.
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Q: Why do cavemen drag their women by the hair?
A: Because if they dragged them by the feet, they would fill up with
mud.
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Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit
him/her?
A: It might be your bicycle.
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Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
*********************************************************
Q: What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
A: One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud."
The other says, "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe."
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Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable".
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Q: Why do women have arms?
A: Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom
clean?
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Q: What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his legs while you vacuum.
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Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind
2. No business.
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Q: What's the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.
*********************************************************
Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly, you can walk on them for the rest of your
life!
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Q: What do you call a woman that just lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Single!
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Q: What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.
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Q: What do you call a bleached blonde standing on her head?
A: A brunette with bad breath!
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Q: Why do tampons have strings?
A. So you can floss after eating.
*********************************************************
Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
A: At least when you are eating pussy you can see the asshole in front
of you.
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Q: How are men and parking spaces a lot alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the rest are "handicapped."
*********************************************************
Q: Why is a laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
never be able to support you.