Twas the Night Before Christmas
 
 

Some variations on the classic poem

 
 
Twas the Night Before X-Mas -- Modern Version
 
T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
 
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
 
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
 
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
 
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
 
If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird
 
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!

 
 
Revere Version
 
Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin', I had a gun unda my pillow.
When up on da roof', I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
 
When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny, And eight friggin' reindeer.
Wit' a bad hackin' cough, And da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment, Yo, da Kringle wuz here!
 
Wit' a slap to dere snouts, And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Sally, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
 
As I drew out my gun, And hid by da bed,
Down came his friggin' boot, On da top a my head.
 
His eyes were all bloodshot, His b.o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage, He had a mole dat wuz hairy.
He spit in my eye, And he twisted my head,
He soon let me know, I should consider myself dead.
 
Den pointin' a fat finga, Right unda my nose,
He let out some gas, And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screaming,
And away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin'.

But I heard him exclaim, Or better yet grump,
"Merry Christmas to all, and Bite me, ya hump!"

 
 
Another twisted version
 
T'was the night before christmas
And all through the house
Everyone felt shitty
Even the mouse
 
Mom at the whorehouse
And dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
For a nice piece of ass
 
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
To see what's the matter
 
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick
 
He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
The old fucker fell
 
He filled all our stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick
For my brother the queer
 
He rose up the chimney
With a thuderous fart
The son of a bitch
Blew the chimney apart
 
He swore and he cursed
As he rode out of sight
Piss on you all
And have a good night

 
 
Politically Correct Night Before X-Mas
 
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
 
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
 
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
 
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolph was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
 
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
 
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
 
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
 
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
 
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
 
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
 
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
 
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
 
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.

 
 
Compton Version
 
'Twas da night befo' Christmas & all in the hood,
Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good..
The tube socks was hung on the window sill
and we all had smiles up on our grill..
 
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib
in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live..
And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine,
had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine..
 
All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by,
Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly..
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'
'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!
 
well anyway.....
I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!
She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness..
I said, for real doe, come check dis out..
We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt..
 
Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh..
Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat
I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
 
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,
"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"
To the top of the projects & across the strip mall,
We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"
 
He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof,
and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move..
I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"
he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
 
But don't worry homes, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings
a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin..
 
He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat,
and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat..
I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
he said,"You best get on up out my face!"
 
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old..
He dropped down the duffle, Bulls logo on the side..
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide..
 
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,
To tap that big booty waitin' at home..

And all I heard as he cruised outta sight,
was a loud and hearty...... "WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"
 
 
 
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
 
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom, and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn, there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and poor momma went dry.
 
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
 
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
 
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
 
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
 
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
 
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He lookd like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.
 
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
 
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
 
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
 
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
 
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
 
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"

 
 
'Twas the Night Before Christmas - Written by the Government
 
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
Yuletide celebration, and throughout the place of residence, kinetic activity
was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that
species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus (mouse). Hosiery was
meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric
apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent
visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations
is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
 
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through
their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head
coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended
such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity
from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source
thereof.
 
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this
fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it
was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival
that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical
sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn
by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule,
aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to
me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power
traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than
patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically
through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her
respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to
the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could
readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal
extremities.
 
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a
180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity
and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad
entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of
carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His
resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted
playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
 
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary
dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The
capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with
blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the
coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or
sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much
as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared
like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
 
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey
fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a
decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high,
and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund,
multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly
frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering
and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he
indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.
 
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles
of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally
transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an
abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his
olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking,
and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke
passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance,
directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to
the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a
movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a
common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately
prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to
the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest
wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period
between sunset and dawn.