A man goes golfing with his friend, Harry. He arrives home several
hours late. His wife asks,"What took you so long?"
He replies,"Oh, Ethel, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole,
Harry had a heart attack and died on the spot!"
Ethel says,"Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!"
The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen holes of 'hit the ball, drag
Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...'"

***************************************************

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have
sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the
man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to
watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the
"F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going
to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I
duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions,
"No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a
lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I
could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried
up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the
squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the
dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of
the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"

***************************************************

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his
hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to
apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please
allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he
replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping
his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she
loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to
massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" To
which he replied:
"It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

***************************************************

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He
thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit, 9
Iron".
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit, 9 Iron." He
looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other
club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!, he hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You
must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do
you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!, Hole in
one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end
of the day, the man played the best game of golf in his life and asks
the frog, "OK, where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the
guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you
think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the
man figures what the heck. Boom!, tons of cash comes sliding back
across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He
sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog
replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

***************************************************

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th
hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the
woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and
comes across this little guy with this huge lump on his head and the
golfball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little
guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and
square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't
hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart , the
leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch
me so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things
that I would want -- unlimited money, a great golf game and a great
sex life."
A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at
the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes
looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks
the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: "I'm fine, and
might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says "It's great! I hit under par every time." The
leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And how is your money holding
out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my
hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note." The leprechaun
smiles and says, "I did that for you too. And how is your sex life?"
The golfer looks at him shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a
week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a
week??????!!!!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's
not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."