The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual
event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and
read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away
to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature
honeymoon'...
He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when
Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been
with a man b'fore."
"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her
head...
Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door,
into his truck.... down the mountain.... straight to his parents house...
rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" .....
His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin
here?"
Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-
Sue an I was in the' cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never been with a
man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I
could!"
His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON,
Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she
shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle
of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but
succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for
assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided
to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's
date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father
to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him
to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother
and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that
it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the
kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to
the father.
The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you
think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls
in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in
and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's
great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have
a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd
hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you
with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law
drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday
morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on
my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing
you know, I'm fucking her."
The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. For an
adventure, the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were
amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end
of the lobby.
The boy asked, "What's that there, Paw?"
The father responded, "Well, Son, I reckon I never did see nothing like
this in my entire life. I got no derned idea what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed
astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving
walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled
between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his
father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They
continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The
walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped
out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go git your Maw."

This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a
beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
which the little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I
have on of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
which the little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and
each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says
"I just won $50,000"
Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch
your asshole?"
"Yes," Says grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself"

One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad,
Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the
most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is
Susan.
After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you..
Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife
but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used
to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister,
and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating
girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced,
"Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke
the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry
about this."
Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the
news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get
married", he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the
girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he
says, dear. He's not really your father."

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell
their story, little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on
the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one
Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and
onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy
replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend
we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend
only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the
story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his
plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it
crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the
way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in
the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine
gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20
more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with
his bare hands."
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Version 1.
This butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was
awakened by strange noises coming from below, so he tiptoed
downstairs and saw his 19-year-old daughter sitting on the chopping
block and masturbating with a liverwurst. The butcher sighed and
tiptoed back to bed.
The next morning, when a customer walked in and asked for some
liverwurst, the butcher said that he didn't have any left. The customer
was really annoyed, she pointed to the corner of the shop and asked,
"No liverwurst? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right over
there?"
The butcher frowned at her. "That", he replied, "is my son-in-law."

Version 2:
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in
her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old
daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the
Mom.
"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get
married, so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom
and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?!" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and
ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a
husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer
in one hand and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football
game.
"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a
beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"