Computer Jokes

Computer Terms

 486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

 State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

 Obsolete - Any computer you own.

 Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

 G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

 Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

 Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

 GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

 Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

 Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

 Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

 Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

 Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

 Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

 System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Bill Gates dies and is up at the pearly gates.
St Peter: Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision.
Bill has a look around heaven. Lots's of somber people singing hymns, praising the Lord .
He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women . Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter.
Gates: Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell.
St Peter: No worries. You've got it.
Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't figure it out.
Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks?
St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the demo version

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

 The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

 Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

 "Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."

 "The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."

 "The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

 Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

 He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

 Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

 "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

 Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

 "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?"

 "That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't."

 "What about the PC?"

 "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

 "Which three?"

 "Control, Alt and Delete."

Signs You Are "Webbed Out" From Using The Web:

Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?
Your best friend is someone you've never met.
You see a beautiful sunset and you expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 1.1" on the clouds.
You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.
You feel driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.
You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening toward a flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You frantically search for the "Back" button.
You visit "The Really Big Button that doesn't do Anything" again and again and again.
Your dog has his own Web page.
So does your goldfish.
When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You start introducing yourself as "Jon at I-I Net dot com"
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)
You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.
Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

Top Ten Reasons Why The Computer Industry Is Finally Opening Up To Women

1. It's easier for a woman to "turn on" a computer
2. Women don't have motherboard fixations.
3. Women are much better at FDISK-ing a hard drive
4. When lost on the Internet, women are willing to ask for directions.
5. Women can communicate gossip and rumors quicker than the fastest modem.
6. Only women (I think) can marry Bill Gates.
7. Women see a 14 inch monitor they think it's a 14 incher and not a 20.
8. Women have bigger SMART drives.
9. Women don't think with their joysticks.
10. Women actually read installation manuals.