A man was in an ice cream parlor waiting to buy some ice cream.
There was one lady in front of him. She ordered a chocolate cone.
The soda-jerk told her he's sorry but they have run out of chocolate.
She said, "OK, then I'll have some chocolate."
He told her, "Lady, I'm out of chocolate."
Once again she said, "OK, I'll just have some chocolate."
Exasperated, he said, "Lady, spell VAN as in vanilla."
She spelled van.
He said, "Good, now spell STRAW as in strawberry."
She spelled straw.
He said, "Good, now spell FUCK as in chocolate."
The lady said, "There is no fuck in chocolate."
He replied, "That's what I'm trying to tell you."

**********************************************

A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack.
A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an
axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and
tells him to get lost.
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack.
"Take your axe and cut it down."
The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the
lumberjack's door.
"I cut the tree down," says the guy.
The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn
to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.
"Sure......!! That's what they call it now!"

**********************************************

Two men in their 80's are talking in the park. The first one looks at
his watch and says, "I must go now, it's time to meet my wife for
sex."
The other man says, "We're in our 80's now -- how do you still
manage to get it hard?"
"By eating a lot of Rye bread," comes the reply. "That makes it hard
as a rock."
The man has to try it and goes to the bakery. He asks the girl for ten
loaves of rye bread. The girl asks if it's for a party and he replies,
"No, it's all for me."
The girl says, "All for you, it's going to get hard."
The man replies, "Everybody knows about it but me !!!!"

**********************************************

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing
off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered
down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his
back against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the
Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always
wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw
what nature had provided him at his birth.
Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He
must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and
gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the
two walked away.
Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of
nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve
himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.
After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...
"I dinna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first
prize!"

**********************************************

A scientist was successful in cloning himself.
He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists.
The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York
skyscraper.
The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The
clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech
intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.
"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another
word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "He's an
ASSHOLE!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist
commanded the clone to "Sit down and shut-up!" Apologizing for the
interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists..." Again
the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "This dumb ASS couldn't
produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent SON-OF-A-BITCH!".
Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw
him out of the window.
The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while
later New York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had
transpired.
The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest
you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime.
What fell from the window was a clone, not a person." The attending
scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we
cannot let this heinous act go unchallenged."
The police chief thought for a moment and then ordered the scientist
held, for "Making an obscene clone fall...."

**********************************************

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer
standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to
the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there,
doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and
asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out
standing in their field."

**********************************************

There is a small business owner. He has two employees, Jack & Jill.
Business is bad and he has to lay one of them off but is having a hard
time deciding which one to let go.
He decides whichever of them leaves for lunch first gets it. Both of
them stay and eat at their desks.
Then he decides that whoever leaves work first at the end of the day
will be the one. They both get up and leave at the same time.
He has to let one go. Which one? Jill, it has to be Jill. The owner
walks out to Jills car as she is about to get in and says, "Jill, I am
trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off. What do you think?"
Jill says, "You'd better just jack off. I am already late for an
appointment."