12 Days of Christmas - letters
December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
-------------------------------------------------------------------
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle
doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love, Agnes
-------------------------------------------------------------------
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist....
you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 17th
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for
each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those
squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
------------------------------------------------------------------
December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front
steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where
will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 20th
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming.
What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and
they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids
a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but
they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and
I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
Ag
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 22nd
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping. And
Christ - do they pipe. They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those
screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours.
From Ag
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 23rd
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
commissioner of buildings has subpoened me to give cause why the building
shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 24th
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned
"ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again.
Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with
the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in
the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 25th
(From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The
destruction, of course, was total.
All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to
reach Miss McCallister at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have
instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar
Attorneys at Law
"Politically Correct" Days of Christmas
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in
their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling
class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw
red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have
been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American
enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh,
heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) *
*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder
(SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for
celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
Le Cajun Douze Jour de Noel - (The Cajun Twelve Days of
Christmas)
On the first day of Christmas mon Cajun sends to me,
a grobec in a cypress tree.
On the second day of Christmas mon Cajun sends to me,
two alligators and a grobec in a cypress tree.
On the third day of Christmas mon Cajun sends to me,
three poule-deau, two alligators, and a grobec in a cypress tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas mon Cajun sends to me,
four dos-gris, three poule-deau, two alligators and a grobec in a cypress tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas mon Cajun sends to me
FIVE RING-TAILED COONS, four dos-gris, three poule-deau, two
alligators and a grobec in a cypress tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas mon Cajun sends to me,
six lazy lapin, FIVE RING-TAILED COONS, four dos-gris, three
poule-deau, two alligators, and a grobec in a cypress tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas mon Cajun sends to me,
seven chien a -chewing, six lazy lapin, FIVE RING-TAILED COONS, four
dos-gris, three poule-deau, two alligators, and a grobec in a cypress tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas mon Cajun sends to me,
eight choupic swimming, seven chien a-chewing, six lazy lapin, FIVE
RING-TAILED COONS, four dos-gris, three poule-deau, two alligators, and
a grobec in a cypress tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas mon Cajun sends to me,
nine nutrias nipping, eight chien a-chewing, six lazy lapin, FIVE
RING-TAILED COONS, four dos-gris, three poule-deau, two alligators, and
a grobec in a cypress tree.
On the tenth day of Christmas mon Cajun sends to me,
ten chat a-chatting, nine nutrias nipping eight choupic swimming, seven chien
a-chewing, six lazy lapin, FIVE RING-TAILED COONS, four dos-gris,
three poule-deau, two alligators, and a grobic in a cypress tree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas mon Cajun sends to me,
eleven possums playing, ten chat a-chatting, nine nutrias nipping, eight
choupic swimming, seven chien a-chewing, six lazy lapin, FIVE
RING-TAILEDCOONS, four dos-gris, three poule-deau, two alligators, and
a grobec in a cypress tree.
On the twelth day of Christmas mon Cajun sends to me,
twelve egret grinning, eleven possums playing, ten chat a-chatting, nine
nutrias nipping, eight choupic swimming, seven chien a-chewing, six lazy
lapin, FIVE RING-TAILED COONS, four dos-gris, three poule-deau, two
alligators, and a grobec in a cypress tree.
New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Government Policy
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being
implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the
cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing
considerable savings in maintenance;
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective.
In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The
positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French;
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the
birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious
metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be
in order;
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose
per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will
assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good
one;
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order.
The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby
enhancing their outplacement;
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward
mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense
of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability
may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an
oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on
new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the
bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in
one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to
include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is
pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should
that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow
White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.